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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.