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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.