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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.