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Haters are my motivators(:
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.