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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.