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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.