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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.