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I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
it`s friday o clock
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.