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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.