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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.