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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."