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I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.