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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.