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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.