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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`