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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.