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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.