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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.