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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I believe in love at first episode.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(