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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.