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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.