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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.