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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I think my guardian angel drinks.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.