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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.