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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.