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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-