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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.