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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…