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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."