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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!