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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.