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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.