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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...