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Which wine goes best with more wine?
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.