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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.