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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.