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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park