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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.