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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.