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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.