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i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.