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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.