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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.