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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married