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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”