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I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.