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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.