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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
life is too short to match socks
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.