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Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?