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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.