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Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.