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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Hard butter is the devil.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.