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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.