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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Sex, do it for the kids.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.