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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...