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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.