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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
facebooked yo mama!!!
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.