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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Do bees even have knees?
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.