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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."