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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.