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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.