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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.