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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers