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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Smelling another person should be a choice.