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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!