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I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.