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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.