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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.