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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Iām not in denial, Iām just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.