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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
why we do not have a romance class...............
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.