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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
life is too short to match socks
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.