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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!