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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Hell hath no fury like me when Iām slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.