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Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"