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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.