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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?