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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial