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The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.