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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.