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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
It´s never to late to be happy
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.