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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?