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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.