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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.