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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?