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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.