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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.