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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.