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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.