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I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.